I spoke briefly with my Mom yesterday, while DH was working on the software issue. She said simply, oh, meant to tell you on your birthday, Dad has lung cancer, will spend the next 6 months in agony before he passes. And I got my hair done...
I actually hung up. I've never done that before. But, Dad was doing better, on the mind, Mom is out of rehab after her broken hip, and I did not expect this devastation tossed carelessly among other trivial news of the day.
I want to be supportive, loving, caring, helpful. But I feel like I'm living through "daddy's dying, who'se got the will?" (okay, so I never saw the movie, but it sounds like it fits).
My Dad has wanted to move into a senior condo, where the door widths allow walkers and the bathrooms accomodate the handicaps that come with age. Mom has a walker now too, with her recovering broken hip. They need full time care.
Yet when I try to intervene, tell them to sell the house and take care of themselves NOW with whatever money they have or receive from the sale, I'm told I'm money hungry, since my sister wants the house. It seems backwards, and yet there it is.
It has been a shocker of a year. DH, coming from wealth and all the family issues that accompany it, has always described the emotions of family finances. Since I grew up poor, there were simply no finances to have emotions over. Or at least fight over, there were plenty of emotions about not having any "stuff" to fight over!
Families and finances are such a tough mix. I love my family to bits. I get letters from my brother reminding me I'm only a half sister, which a year ago was news to me, and all of us! I've always been the one supporting the families financially, we even pay for my sister's internet! We pay for their clothes, their books, their rent when needed. My sister has no heat in her house, which I can't fix, but I sent her fleece robes and thick electric blankets.
Oddly enough, when my DH and I were married, with 400 guests attending, my mother insisted my sister receive a good portion of my gifts for herself. A set of bath towels, which I replaced for her last year. She can buy her own, but she won't. She can pay for her own internet, but she won't.
And so, in the end, it still all comes down to money. And emotions. Everything that ever occurred, or didn't occur, in a lifetime of family ties, somehow becomes entwined in finances, money, inheritence, and painful emotions.
It's been a sad day. Good, in that I have an incredible DH, and loads of friends, but still, such sadness. In a time where I simply want to GRIEVE for my father, instead I am sorting out financial issues of OTHER PEOPLE. It's insane.
It's family finances.
A bit of a shock in the family
July 3rd, 2006 at 11:28 pm
19 Responses to “A bit of a shock in the family”
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July 4th, 2006 at 12:03 am 1151967819
July 4th, 2006 at 12:06 am 1151968018
I so understand about family and money issues. It is incredibly sad how money is larger than life sometimes...and how it can and does tear families apart. Your intentions are in the right place, so hold firm on how to best help your parents.
My thoughts are with you as you deal with your dads illness and all impending the financial decisions and guck.
{hug}
July 4th, 2006 at 01:18 am 1151972291
July 4th, 2006 at 05:00 am 1151985606
July 4th, 2006 at 05:15 am 1151986541
July 4th, 2006 at 05:44 am 1151988286
July 4th, 2006 at 06:28 am 1151990938
As for your sister....well....you are a better person than I am!
July 4th, 2006 at 06:32 am 1151991162
July 4th, 2006 at 02:33 pm 1152020027
The family situation sounds complex and trying...sounds like your sister has a lot of maturing to do and your mom has been working to keep her a child financially speaking. It's so hard that you're being cast as 'the bad guy" when you suggest that your parents look at for themselves first.
good luck getting through this difficult time.
July 4th, 2006 at 02:38 pm 1152020295
July 4th, 2006 at 05:32 pm 1152030769
July 5th, 2006 at 12:18 am 1152055110
July 5th, 2006 at 02:21 am 1152062510
My mom fought so hard for my grandparents .. of no use. It hurts because your family, near and dear do it you. The ones that are supposed to be understanding let you down...
So sorry to know about your dad.
July 5th, 2006 at 08:54 pm 1152129240
I'm so sorry to hear about your father. Perhaps your mother hasn't fully processed the news yet, and that's why she said it so flippantly...?
I love my sister dearly, but if she could pay her own expenses, I wouldn't be paying them for her, so bless your heart for being so generous. I hope she is grateful for your help.
July 5th, 2006 at 11:45 pm 1152139514
July 6th, 2006 at 04:05 pm 1152198344
I did tell my Mom off, just a bit, yesterday. For turning my life upside down and not recognizing she was doing so. The news that my Dad is not my father was and is heart breaking, which I don't understand at all. I always said biology didn't matter, but when it comes down to the reality of it, the biology doesn't matter, but it hurts. The craziness in my family, well, chin up, and back to trying to meet MY expectations to be a supportive daughter, sister, and friend.
Thanks again for so much support.
July 8th, 2006 at 04:18 am 1152328718
my father died of lung cancer almost 3 years ago.. it took about 4 weeks after he was diagnosed....he was the best one in the whole family... my siblings are running thru their inheritance, i am the only one that still has all of my money intact. they tell me, i don't ask.. when it comes to money, family shows their selfishness, and the ingrates come out to play...
sorry for your sad news...some ppl say things without thinking... try to overlook things at this time.. everything seemed nutty to me, at the time of my dad's illness... after he died and still now, i miss him and mourn for the times we did not share more things together...my family and job had to come first sometimes... i did try birthdays and holidays, and always gave him nice gifts, cards... took him out to eat, cleaned his house, and cooked for him...etc.
i have a mean sister, who is kind when she wants to be, then goes back to being cold and distant... and she is greedy, sorry to say...
July 8th, 2006 at 06:28 pm 1152379726
July 28th, 2006 at 07:59 pm 1154113156
Be assured, as others have alluded to here, that we all have crazy, mixed up family relations. Well, most of us anyway. For what it's worth, my dad did not bother to see how i was doing for 3.5 weeks following my surgery. That hurt a lot. My family members all seem to just live their own lives, we've been split up and fragmented for so long we've forgotten what family really means. And i find myself gravitating toward others' families, like my SO's, for the support i need.