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A bit of a shock in the family

July 3rd, 2006 at 11:28 pm

I spoke briefly with my Mom yesterday, while DH was working on the software issue. She said simply, oh, meant to tell you on your birthday, Dad has lung cancer, will spend the next 6 months in agony before he passes. And I got my hair done...

I actually hung up. I've never done that before. But, Dad was doing better, on the mind, Mom is out of rehab after her broken hip, and I did not expect this devastation tossed carelessly among other trivial news of the day.

I want to be supportive, loving, caring, helpful. But I feel like I'm living through "daddy's dying, who'se got the will?" (okay, so I never saw the movie, but it sounds like it fits).

My Dad has wanted to move into a senior condo, where the door widths allow walkers and the bathrooms accomodate the handicaps that come with age. Mom has a walker now too, with her recovering broken hip. They need full time care.

Yet when I try to intervene, tell them to sell the house and take care of themselves NOW with whatever money they have or receive from the sale, I'm told I'm money hungry, since my sister wants the house. It seems backwards, and yet there it is.

It has been a shocker of a year. DH, coming from wealth and all the family issues that accompany it, has always described the emotions of family finances. Since I grew up poor, there were simply no finances to have emotions over. Or at least fight over, there were plenty of emotions about not having any "stuff" to fight over!

Families and finances are such a tough mix. I love my family to bits. I get letters from my brother reminding me I'm only a half sister, which a year ago was news to me, and all of us! I've always been the one supporting the families financially, we even pay for my sister's internet! We pay for their clothes, their books, their rent when needed. My sister has no heat in her house, which I can't fix, but I sent her fleece robes and thick electric blankets.

Oddly enough, when my DH and I were married, with 400 guests attending, my mother insisted my sister receive a good portion of my gifts for herself. A set of bath towels, which I replaced for her last year. She can buy her own, but she won't. She can pay for her own internet, but she won't.

And so, in the end, it still all comes down to money. And emotions. Everything that ever occurred, or didn't occur, in a lifetime of family ties, somehow becomes entwined in finances, money, inheritence, and painful emotions.

It's been a sad day. Good, in that I have an incredible DH, and loads of friends, but still, such sadness. In a time where I simply want to GRIEVE for my father, instead I am sorting out financial issues of OTHER PEOPLE. It's insane.

It's family finances.

19 Responses to “A bit of a shock in the family”

  1. miclason Says:
    1151967819

    ((hugs)) family and finances!...I guess that's why they say that money is the root of all evil!...

  2. Thrifty Ray Says:
    1151968018

    I am so sorry to hear about your dad...but as much for you and the off-handed way your mom told you. I am sure you are hurting from the news, and hopefully you will have some time to spend with your dad in the coming weeks and months.

    I so understand about family and money issues. It is incredibly sad how money is larger than life sometimes...and how it can and does tear families apart. Your intentions are in the right place, so hold firm on how to best help your parents.

    My thoughts are with you as you deal with your dads illness and all impending the financial decisions and guck.

    {hug}

  3. Broken Arrow Says:
    1151972291

    Wow, that's messed up. My sympathies.

  4. retire@50 Says:
    1151985606

    I had a similar experience in college. In a phone conversation home to mom, she casually told me my half sister wasn't my sister at all. Her mother got pregnant by someone besides my biological father even though they were married at the time. I'd only seen her two or three times, she was 9 years younger than me, but for some reason this really hit me hard. I think I cried for the rest of the day. And I think what hurt the most was how casually the news was delivered. Like it was no big deal and because there wasn't a true 'blood' bond, there was no bond at all.

  5. boomeyers Says:
    1151986541

    Wow! Processing...... Hang in there!!

  6. baselle Says:
    1151988286

    Yikes, there's more projection here than in an IMAX theater. I don't what to say. I thought my family was nuts - I didn't visit my mom for 14 years - but you top that. Apologies here for being direct - it'll sure be interesting when your parents pass and sister's gravy train comes to an abrupt halt.

  7. PRICEPLUS Says:
    1151990938

    Wow! The news of your dad's illness is devastating enough but to recieve it in such a manner is just staggering. I am so sorry. I wil keep you and your dad in my prayers.

    As for your sister....well....you are a better person than I am!

  8. DivaJen Says:
    1151991162

    I don't know what to say...but I am sorry you are going through this - Dad, family drama, the whole thing. {{hugs}}

  9. Dido Says:
    1152020027

    So sorry about your sad news and the manner in which it was delivered.

    The family situation sounds complex and trying...sounds like your sister has a lot of maturing to do and your mom has been working to keep her a child financially speaking. It's so hard that you're being cast as 'the bad guy" when you suggest that your parents look at for themselves first.

    good luck getting through this difficult time.

  10. ima saver Says:
    1152020295

    So sorry, hugs too!

  11. lrjohnson Says:
    1152030769

    I am thinking of you and wishing you the best; I am so sorry to hear about your father, and the lack of space you were given to grieve.

  12. robex Says:
    1152055110

    I am so sorry to hear of your sad news...you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. shopsmart Says:
    1152062510

    Hugs and best wishes.
    My mom fought so hard for my grandparents .. of no use. It hurts because your family, near and dear do it you. The ones that are supposed to be understanding let you down...
    So sorry to know about your dad.

  14. kashi Says:
    1152129240

    It's amazing how the crazy comes out in people when it's about family, money, and death. My extended family is right up there with the craziest of crazies, so I feel your pain.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your father. Perhaps your mother hasn't fully processed the news yet, and that's why she said it so flippantly...?

    I love my sister dearly, but if she could pay her own expenses, I wouldn't be paying them for her, so bless your heart for being so generous. I hope she is grateful for your help.

  15. LISA178 Says:
    1152139514

    I"m so sorry to about your Dad and the family problems. Stay strong and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  16. flash Says:
    1152198344

    Thank you all so much. Going with the flow, I think I've found a special family here!

    I did tell my Mom off, just a bit, yesterday. For turning my life upside down and not recognizing she was doing so. The news that my Dad is not my father was and is heart breaking, which I don't understand at all. I always said biology didn't matter, but when it comes down to the reality of it, the biology doesn't matter, but it hurts. The craziness in my family, well, chin up, and back to trying to meet MY expectations to be a supportive daughter, sister, and friend.

    Thanks again for so much support.

  17. markio26 Says:
    1152328718

    flash:
    my father died of lung cancer almost 3 years ago.. it took about 4 weeks after he was diagnosed....he was the best one in the whole family... my siblings are running thru their inheritance, i am the only one that still has all of my money intact. they tell me, i don't ask.. when it comes to money, family shows their selfishness, and the ingrates come out to play...
    sorry for your sad news...some ppl say things without thinking... try to overlook things at this time.. everything seemed nutty to me, at the time of my dad's illness... after he died and still now, i miss him and mourn for the times we did not share more things together...my family and job had to come first sometimes... i did try birthdays and holidays, and always gave him nice gifts, cards... took him out to eat, cleaned his house, and cooked for him...etc.
    i have a mean sister, who is kind when she wants to be, then goes back to being cold and distant... and she is greedy, sorry to say...

  18. englishrose Says:
    1152379726

    Just want to add my sympathies too (hugs(

  19. fern Says:
    1154113156

    Only now catching up reading old posts from while i was away. I am so sorry to hear about your dad's illness. You can only offer your best support and suggestions, but if they are not receptive....

    Be assured, as others have alluded to here, that we all have crazy, mixed up family relations. Well, most of us anyway. For what it's worth, my dad did not bother to see how i was doing for 3.5 weeks following my surgery. That hurt a lot. My family members all seem to just live their own lives, we've been split up and fragmented for so long we've forgotten what family really means. And i find myself gravitating toward others' families, like my SO's, for the support i need.

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